


“Did You Buy Toilet Paper John?”

by cdelbridge



Category: johnlock - Fandom
Genre: Coronavirus, M/M, Quarantine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:49:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 14,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23142718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: Quarantine comes to Baker St.  I intend to add to this so more fun in store!
Relationships: Johnlock
Comments: 185
Kudos: 216
Collections: Isolated Johnlock Collection





	1. Chapter 1

“Sherlock! One of the patients I dealt with this week has tested positive for the coronavirus! I need to self-isolate but you have to come with me”

“Where are we going? SH”

“Nowhere really. We need to spend the next few weeks isolated from humanity so we’re going to hole up in Baker St. I’m stopping at the store on the way home.

”If we’re self-isolating should you really be in a grocery store? SH”

”I’m wearing a mask which protects people from me. I’ve been very careful even with the guy who tested positive so odds are good we won’t get it. I’m loading up on food and stuff though.”

”Ok, I’m at the morgue but I’ll pick up a few things on my way home as well. SH”

~~~~~~~~

“Sherlock!” John called as he climbed the stairs. “Some help might be nice!” Struggling into the sitting room, he nearly dropped the bags he was carrying.

His husband had stopped on the way home as well although his contributions were, um, different. Whereas John had bought groceries and toilet paper, Sherlock appeared to have stopped at the sex toy shop. There was a years supply (at least) of lube, a new whip, his and his butt plugs, a game called “Dueling Sabers” (cough, guess what the sabers are, cough), a pirate costume and a few other bags that hadn’t been unpacked yet. Looking at his husband, he said, “I can’t wait to see you in the pirate costume!”

”Good!” Sherlock came forward to grab a couple bags, “it’s crotchless.”


	2. Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have food and sex toys for the quarantine!

Text from Lestrade. “I hear the two of you are quarantined for a couple weeks. I’m going to drop off an armful of cold cases for your better half.”

“Thank you Greg! Sherlock will be thrilled! Are you going to leave them at the flat door?”

“Yep! I’ll knock to let you know they’re there. Tell the Boy Toy thank you!”

John went to find his spouse to let him know the good news. He found him in the bedroom, rooting around underneath the bed. John took a moment to appreciate the view then asked curiously, “what are you looking for?”

“Oh hello John.” Sherlock said as he sat up. “Actually I was looking for a book that I thought fell off the bed.”

“Lestrade is leaving a bunch of cold cases for you.” He walked in and sat on the bed. “What do you suggest we do for the next couple weeks? I don’t want you to get bored!”

“Theme days!” Sherlock sat on the bed next to his husband. “Everyday has a different theme and we dress and act accordingly.”

“Ok. Whats today? And I suggest we take turns deciding what’s what!”

“Today is Nudity Day. Everything must be done naked.”

John smiled, “ok, tomorrow is Butt Plug Day! Nudity while wearing a plug all day.”

“”Ooohhhh! And the day after that is Lingerie Day! Both of us in full on female lingerie.”

John smiled, “we’re not supposed to enjoy this I think!” Leaning close and kissing his spouse he added, “but I plan to so much!”

“We’re overdressed John!”

To be continued....


	3. There I Was!  Innocently Typing!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock attacks.

Day one of the quarantine was going well. Both John and Sherlock were naked, per that day’s rules, and sitting on opposite sides of their partners desk working. Sherlock had solved his third cold case in the past five minutes and John, tongue between his teeth, feet wrapped around his chair legs, was two finger typing his blog. In other words, Domestic Bliss!

John was using their enforced downtime to flesh out some of their older cases. Ordinarily this wouldn’t have been possible because while John means well, he often gets caught up in the moment. Knowing this, he had started taking notes during their cases (or at least as soon as possible afterward) and was fleshing out some of his old entries. (Needless to say that although John took the notes, he promptly misplaced them, only just that morning relocating some!)

The doctor continued typing away, totally caught up in his own little world when he felt a mouth nuzzling his cock. Common sense, and a glance across the desk, told him this had to be his husband. Smiling broadly, he spread his thighs further apart and continued typing.

The mouth continued with its explorations as John felt his erection growing. The talented tongue flattened itself out and tongued the head as John shifted in his seat allowing his cock to spring forward. Sherlock patted him on the leg in approval then swallowed him down. John let out a howl and gave up all pretense of typing. Reaching under the desk, he combed his fingers through his husband’s curls, leaned back in his chair and held on tight as Sherlock brought him to the edge of orgasm. And stopped. 

“What...”. The mouth had stopped. “You alright?” He backed up and looked under the desk at his spouse. Sherlock looked wickedly back at him, grinning, then proceeded to take the slightly less hard cock back in his mouth and slowly start again. “Oh that’s mean.” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes as the mouth suckled his balls delicately then a finger found its way into John’s tight arsehole as the mouth moved back to his cock.

”Oh god! Your mouth!” John moaned. He was now more reclining in his chair than sitting to give his husband all the access he wanted. “And your fingers are so fucking long!” He moaned as those fingers (Sherlock had added another), found that exact spot and John wrapped his hands in those curls again, pulling his husband closer as he started to fuck his face. He was so close! Eyes closed, he was chasing his orgasm and was just about to come, when Sherlock pulled off again.

”Oh dear god! What! Why are you torturing me?” John watched as his husband licked him from knees to thighs and smiled brilliantly.

”Oh John, you know I may tease but I always get you there.” He took the slightly less erect cock back in his mouth but pulled off to give his husband a saucy grin. “Eventually.” And with that he pushed John’s chair back to give him more room, took his frustrated spouse back in his mouth and inserted three fingers.

The combination of the mouth and the fingers was too much and John came not long after. His spouse lovingly licked him clean then rested his head on the doctor’s spent cock. Patting the curls, John said, “You are evil! I should just refuse to acknowledge your throbbing erection after not letting me come twice.”

”Please! I have it on good authority that I’m irresistible!” Sherlock climbed out from under the desk and taking cock in hand, proceeded to get himself off while coming all over his husband’s face.

Breathing hard, sprawled all over each other, John said, “I have come in my eyelashes.”

Sherlock stood, pulled his spouse to his feet and said, “shower”.


	4. Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Two of the quarantine.

John had been lightly dozing for the last hour or so, happily entwined with his deeply sleeping spouse. Day Two of their quarantine was upon them and it was his turn to plan the festivities. He’d been thinking about his options when he’d fallen asleep last night and still wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. 

~~~~~~~~

Sherlock woke an hour or so later and headed to the bathroom. On his way back to their bed, he realized John was missing. While part of the detective wanted to go find his husband, the rational (and lazy) part of his mind said that since they were quarantined and the flat was small, John couldn’t be far. He thought about this for another two seconds before climbing back into bed and falling asleep.

~~~~~~~~~

John hadn’t been idle. Making a pot of coffee, he went into the sitting room with his cup to further explore the bags Sherlock had brought home. His husband was certainly optimistic! They were only supposed to be confined for two weeks!

But he did get an idea....

~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock was just about to slide out of bed when the bedroom door opened and a mouth-watering sight appeared. John was standing in the doorway clad in his army fatigues with Sherlock’s favorite red pants showing slightly. He had his fatigue jacket on but open so his bare chest with the dogtags Sherlock loved so much glinting. The look was completed with the dusty combat boots on his feet. 

Now as may have been mentioned, our detective has a military kink the size of Scotland. John’s appearance was a wet dream come true and Sherlock could feel parts of himself perking up. He grinned and climbed out of bed, cock leading the way.

However, when he got to his husband, all prepared to grope and fondle that arse, a hand reached out and stopped him. John looked up into his husband’s beautiful eyes and said, “here’s how today is going to go. I’m going to wear my military gear cause I know how much you like it.” His fingers flicked across detectivey nipples making his spouse twitch. “However, you have to prove that you deserve my cock.”

Sherlock smiled and crowded nearer as his cock started to leak. “How do I do that?”

Reaching behind his back, John pulled out a plug, already lubed. “You’re going to wear this so when I want you, your arse will be ready.” The detective smiled and turned, arching his back slightly, so John could insert the toy. Inserting it carefully, he leaned over his spouse’s shoulder and murmured, “and you want to tease? I’ll give you tease.” Out of one of his large pockets, John pulled a cock cage which he strapped on his surprised spouse. “And this is the kind that allows you to pee so you get to wear it until I decide you’ve been punished enough.” Slapping Sherlock’s gorgeous arse, he said, “love you.”

To be continued.....


	5. Later-Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock takes it in stride

Now for the average person, being plugged (butt plug) and harnessed (cock cage) would put a crimp in their style. Sherlock, however, didn’t appear to notice as he moved about the kitchen working on an experiment. John was leaning against the doorway watching in amazement.

“What’s the experiment for?” John couldn’t resist asking.

”Cold case of Lestrade’s.” Sherlock leaned over to make an adjustment which exposed the tip of the plug. John was in awe. In a recent similar circumstance, he’d been crawling the walls, his nerves on fire. He continued watching his sexy spouse.

”Do you mind turning on the radio John?” Sherlock had developed a bizarre fixation with ‘70’s music and the radio was set to his current favorite station. John turned the knob with bated breath.

”Play that funky music white boy! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die.”

Unbelievably Sherlock was mouthing the words and gyrating as he twirled the knobs on his microscope. John just leaned against the wall and smirked. Sherlock had progressed to singing, “there was dancing, and singing, and moving to the grooving and just when it hit me...”. He gyrated his way to the sink and ran some water, still singing and dancing. Still nude with a butt plug and a cock cage.

John grinned in delight as his husband got into the music, “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you die.” His lower half danced as his top half looked in the microscope. John was delighted.

”You are absolutely, ridiculously adorable!” John moved closer and wrapped his arms around his spouse. The song ended. The music started, the boys in synch did the motions and sang, “it’s fun to stay at the YMCA....”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wild Cherry were the ultimate one hit wonder in the 70’s with “Play That Funky Music”. It’s just stupidly fun. And YMCA by the Village People is just as bad in a different way.0


	6. Day Two-continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is distracted

Ordinarily Sherlock’s muttering, moans and giggles would have just made our good doctor smile as he went about his business. Today they were getting on his last nerve.

Part of the issue, he had to admit, was his spouse’s beautiful naked body. Sherlock was a sight to behold in a suit but naked, well he just became other worldly.

Then there was the issue of the butt plug. It should have been driving the detective over the edge but his spouse seemed perfectly composed. It had to be hitting his sweet spot every time he moved but he just kept working away at his smelly experiment.

And let’s not forget the cockcage! He had strapped it on his spouse as payback for the teasing head yesterday and it didn’t seem to phase him! Seriously! John remembered himself in a similar situation and twitched uncomfortably. His spouse just wasn’t normal in any sense of the word.

Another giggle from Sherlock caused the good doctor to stand abruptly and head to the kitchen. Enough! Moving briskly, he was about to say something rude but suddenly found he couldn’t say a word.

His spouse was not working on an experiment, unless John was the test subject, always a possiblity! No, William Sherlock Scott Holmes was lying on their kitchen table with his beautiful arse in the air and both legs and one arm tied to the table legs. He giggled again.

John stood transfixed. It really was a site to behold. Finally Sherlock turned his head to see what his spouse was doing. “Seriously John? What do you need, an engraved invitation?” 

”Is that why you were giggling you strange, beautiful man?” At Sherlock’s nod, he continued, “you could have just said something. You usually have no problem articulating your wants.” He moved closer to his spouse and examined the knots around his ankles. “I might have to re-do these knots. Don’t want you escaping.” He patted his spouse’s arse and then tugged on the plug a little just to hear that moan again.

”Damn you look good!” John was down on his hands and knees redoing the knots. Standing, he planted a kiss on his spouse and moved back down the table, running his hands over various beautiful body parts. “But you know that don’t you?”

Sherlock let out a gasp as John reached in and grabbed the plug, pulling gently. “John! I think I’ve been punished sufficiently!”

”I don’t,” he responded, pushing the plug back in. Sherlock let out a gasp. John replaced his fingers with his tongue as he licked around the base of the plug to Sherlock’s gasps and moans. He then started moving the plug in and out as his husband bucked beneath him.

”Jesus John!” Sherlock gasped again as his husband pulled the plug all the way out. He felt empty suddenly and yearned for John’s cock. He didn’t have to wait long though as he felt his husband’s fatigue covered legs touch his thighs then his butt checks being tugged further apart and finally, John sank into him.

John thought they both let out a yell as he leaned over his spouse and pressed a kiss into his shoulder. Making sure Sherlock was ready, John began to move, quickly setting a punishing rhythm with his hips. Just as he was about to come, he remembered the cage, reached down and freed his spouse. John came with a howl and Sherlock shrieked as he came as well.

Breathing heavy, John leaned over and patted his spouse’s arse lightly, saying, “I hope you learned your lesson.”

The deep voice under him replied, “Oh I wouldn’t bet on that.”


	7. Day Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John plays narrator!

Day Three of the quarantine. Sherlock has decided (since it’s his turn), that today we will be in drag. I hope he doesn’t get carried away because lace is not very comfortable to wear and I keep falling out of the panties.

He has solved all the cases Lestrade had dropped off and begged for more. Some people have their groceries delivered, we have cold case files. I expect a knock on the door later, letting us know there’s a delivery outside.

In the meantime, I convinced Sherlock to purge his bedside table of its garbage. The man throws nothing away! I had opened a drawer looking for lube and found six empty lube tubes! WTF! And don’t try to tell me it’s for a collection ‘cause I’m not buying it!

In the meantime, Sherlock is busy in the bedroom (hopefully cleaning but more likely primping!) So I’m enjoying the relative peace and quiet. At least while it lasts!

I hope he remembers that I look better in black! Red just doesn’t work with my complexion!

Until later!  
John


	8. Chapter Three-continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock chimes in

So today is my day to choose our games and what we’ll wear. I’m going with lingerie for John. He doesn’t think he looks good in anything. The first time he tried on a pair of black silk panties, he complained that the lace was uncomfortable. Then he tried to strut and fell out of the panties! I have never been so turned on in my life. My husband is so well-hung that he falls out of male panties! Be still my raging hormones! He doesn’t know that I had a set specially made for him to take into account his “girth”!

Now I’ll be wearing black as well with my favorite black leather skirt, purple blouse (think the female equivalent of my purple shirt) and sexy black underthings crowned with my black sky high stilettos. John won’t be able to resist! His erection will pop out of his specially made underwear!

Shit, wait, John wanted me to do something. What the hell was it? Oh yeah, clean out the empty lube containers from my drawer. Why? I never thought anyone would want me so when I found John did, well I didn’t think it would last, so I kept proof that someone had. Sad I know. I’m just glad he didn’t dig any further and find the mummified mouse the neighbor’s cat left me. Ah well.

Now, to find my lustful little doctor and get him dressed....


	9. Some more from Day Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys play dress up

“You know,” John said as he stared at himself in the mirror, “it’s a shame we can’t go out ‘cause we look damn good.”

Sherlock, standing behind his husband adjusting his wig, responded, “I know!” Taking a sip of his wine, he continued, “this much Holmes-Watson beauty needs to be seen.”

After a moments thought, the detective continued, “drink up John! I have an idea!”

~~~~~~~~~  
“Don’t be ridiculous! Our neighbors are begging to see our cocks!” Sherlock slurred his words slightly. “Bring you glass and your sexy little body over here and I’ll help you into the window.”

The doctor was equally intoxicated, “which neighbors? And how do you know?” He moved to a window in the sitting room. Selecting the window on the right, he patted the sill drunkenly, “I like this one.”

“Deduced it of course!” He helped John into the window and announced, “now, have you had enough alcohol to dance?”

“I think so. I feel really pretty.” He grinned drunkenly at his spouse. “Good thing the sill is big.”

Sherlock had moved off to his window and climbed into it. Smacking himself in the forehead, he announced, “we need mood music!” Climbing back out of the window, he noticed John was swaying to his own beat. “Very nice John but you need to get into it more! Remember when we watched “Good Omens” and Crowley walked like his pelvis was melting? That’s what you need to do!” John added twisting his pelvis, slightly, to his dance repertoire. “Excellent!”

Sherlock turned on “Watch Her Strut” by Bob Seger and climbed back into his window.

“She’s totally committed to major independence, She’s a lady through and through.....”. Sherlock started dancing although he did take off his heels before he climbed in the window. He heard a gasp from the street and thought somewhere in the dim recesses of his mind, “just you wait! I haven’t even taken anything off yet!”

~~~~~~~~~

By the third song, they had attracted a crowd and calls for, “Take it off baby!” could be heard. John, thoroughly inebriated, fell off the sill when he tried to take off his black bra (he really did look good!) but he barely felt it as he took another sip of wine and climbed back in the window. The bra was soon shed. Sherlock, who has no modesty whatsoever, had already shed his purple bra and was unhooking his garter belt. The crowd went nuts. The little old lady neighbors across the street were filming and yelling, “we want pubes!”. Sherlock was happy to oblige.

And about here is where “insane but ok” stopped and “over-the-top lunacy” took over. John was seductively (for a short, drunken Doctor) about to remove his black, lace thong and Sherlock was pulling his down while lightly rubbing himself when inspiration struck. He motioned to the crowd to wait a second, climbed down from his window, grabbed some lube off the table and climbed into John’s window with him. The crowd went nuts.

Kissing John deeply, he broke the kiss and turned the nude, little doctor around and fingered his hole. Cheers could be heard along with, “give it to him Sherlock!” Sherlock smiled and waved his erection at the crowd then sank into his husband. A cheer went up from the crowd and suggestions were made, “palm your cock Watson!” was probably the mildest. John did as requested. Just when they were about to come, Sherlock changed position, putting John against the window which caught his sperm a moment later.

And at that moment Lestrade showed up...


	10. Still Day Three, Believe It Or Not!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg yells at our duo

John and Sherlock were sitting on their sofa, nude, watching Greg Lestrade, not nude but wearing a protective mask, pacing back and forth in front of them, ranting.

“Are you two out of your fucking minds!” He was flailing as he paced. “Not only do you get drunk and do a striptease in your windows but you then proceed to have sex in front of a cheering audience!” He stopped in front of the duo, who still looked a little dazed, and yelled, “and to make everything that much better, you’re under quarantine so I can’t even arrest you!” Lestrade continued pacing. “I stop by to drop off and pick up cold cases and what do I get? Sherlock wagging his dick at a rabid audience!” 

John thought for a moment and said, “we did have quite the audience.”

”We did,” agreed his spouse.

Greg looked like he was ready to pull his hair out in clumps. “What is wrong with you two? Not getting enough attention? Haven’t had anyone to deduce lately? Missing Anderson?”

Sherlock looked at his spouse and said, “the little old ladies across the street were filming. Think they’d let us have a copy?”

Lestrade started screaming, “I have had it with you two! Consider yourself under house arrest. If I see either of you in the next two weeks, especially naked, I will actually arrest your dumb asses!” He stomped out the door. Then he stomped back in and said, “here’s more cold cases. Where are the solved ones?”

John started to get up to show him when Greg said, “just tell me where they are!”

John pointed to their messy partners desk. Sherlock jumped up to help anyway, Lestrade rolled his eyes and looked elsewhere. “Here you go. They were pretty simple but above the head of the average yarder.”

Greg just shook his head and stomped out the door.

~~~~~~~~

”So,” John looked at his spouse, “what do you want to do this evening?”

”Lets take that game I picked up and head to the roof!” Sherlock started walking towards their bedroom, grabbing the game on the way.

”OK, I’ve got the wine.” John said, following the pale, naked arse cheeks into the bedroom.


	11. Day Four-finally!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s turn

The fourth day of quarantine, John awoke with a monster hangover. While this really shouldn’t have been a surprise, he was more than a tad annoyed, especially since his head hurt so bad he was sure his hair was also in pain. Staggering to the bathroom for paracetamol and water, he then collapsed back in bed.

Sherlock awoke a little later without much of a hangover although he was a tad bleary eyed. He wandered into the kitchen in search of caffeine and decided, charitably, that he’d bring some for his spouse as well. Feeling very mellow, he reentered the bedroom with a cup for John and held it under his husband’s nose. The aroma eventually worked its way into John’s brain and forced him awake.

“Go away!”

“No.” Sherlock sat on the bed and stared at his spouse.

“Quit staring at me! My head hurts.” John burrowed under the bed clothes. His head popped up suddenly and he asked, “do you feel OK?”

“I’m fine.” Sherlock yawned and took a sip from his cup. “What do you want to do today? After all, it is your day to decide.”

“Go away,” said the bedding.

“No.”

A moment of silence ensued. “John, I can hear you thinking.” Sherlock smirked from the foot of the bed.

A tossled blonde head appeared again, only this time with an evil grin which made Sherlock feel somewhat uneasy. “It is my day isn’t it!” Sitting up carefully, he looked his spouse up and down and said, “since my hangover is mostly your fault (Sherlock raised his eyebrows at this and “mouthed my fault?”), you get to spend today being my slave girl.


	12. What Does A Slave Girl Wear?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock has to be John’s slave boy for the day.

“Ok, if I’m going to be the slave girl, what does this entail? And what’s in it for me?” Sherlock eyed his spouse warily. “And for the record, no one made you drink all that wine but if it makes you feel better to blame me, go right ahead.”

“Ok, maybe not but you’re the reason the entire neighborhood knows what we look like naked. I wouldn’t have climbed in the window without your evil influence.” John leaned back against the headboard. “I think you should wear, hmm.” He paused to think.

“Yes John, do think of whichever perverted fantasies you need fulfilled,” his spouse said with a smirk and an eye roll.

“Your pirate pants! You can be my slave boy.” John smiled widely, “I’ve wanted to see you in those since I first saw them.”

Sherlock grinned, “and what will you wear?” At John’s blank look, he added, “there has to be something in this for me as well.”

”I know!” John smiled widely, “I’ll be the rival pirate who captured you.” Moving towards his husband’s mouth, John whispered, “You’re too pretty to feed to the fishes.”

~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock was lying on the sofa, clad in his crotchless white pants with his wrists manacled over his head. He had put the pirate pants on then manacled his own hands above his head and was now waiting (impatiently!) for John to make his appearance. 

Just when Sherlock was ready to undo his manacles and go looking for his spouse, a sight appeared in the doorway. John was wearing his version of a pirate outfit in tight black pants, Sherlock’s black knee high boots and white ruffled shirt unbuttoned to the waist. He looked delicious (as other parts of Sherlock had to agree) but the most enticing part was the sequined red codpiece John had made and wore in place of his red pants.

”Ahoy Captain Watson!” Sherlock said happily. “Come and show me what’s behind the sequins? Please!”

John happily moved to comply. “First Long Dong Holmes (they both giggled), you have to show me what that pretty mouth can do!” Sherlock’s face nuzzled at John’s crotch area. “And prove that I saved you from walking the plank for a good reason.”

”Oh I’m sure I can Captain,” Holmes took the good Captain into his mouth and began to suck.

To be continued....


	13. Sherlock!  What Is This?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else has Sherlock bought?
> 
> I went down the rabbit hole of weird yesterday so you “benefit” from the lunacy. Seriously! I’m not even sure how some of the stuff works. Or why.

“What in the world are you wearing?” John asked Sherlock as he wandered past on his way to the kitchen.

“It’s a thong John.” Sherlock said casually, focused on the experiment in front of him.

“If you say so,” John sounded dubious. “I’ve never seen one like that.

“We obviously need to expand your horizons.,” muttered his spouse.

*note of explanation: Sherlock is wearing a C thong. Scrap of material/something in the front with a piece of fabric covered plastic (I’m guessing) going from the taint through the butt cheeks. No other visible means of attachment. Look it up! It made my mind hurt. I wonder if my spouse would wear one?.....

“But how does it stay on?” John came over and started running his hands over his husband’s naked buttocks. “Tape? Will power?”

“John! Self-control! I’m in the middle of an experiment that will solve three cold cases that everyone believed were unrelated but they’re all committed by the same person!” Sherlock bent over and adjusted the knobs on his microscope. “Besides, I got you a thong as well. It’s on your side of the bed if you want to try it on.”

John’s eyebrows rose. “You got me one as well? Um, why?”

Sherlock looked up in frustration, “why? Because I want to see your sexy ass in one, that’s why. And our pirate costumes need some serious washing after our earlier activities. Who knew the human body contained that much semen!”

“Tell me about it, I found some behind my ear.” John threw over his shoulder as he headed to the bedroom. “Now where is this scrap of fabric?”


	14. “Get It Off!  Get It Off!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had to happen, Sherlock is bored.

“John!” The world’s only consulting detective entered the bedroom, “I’m bored and I need your help!”

“I knew it had to happen sooner or later.” John had been cleaning under the bed. “What do you need from me?” He sat up and waited.

“I need you to take off your clothes and lie on the kitchen table.”

“Wait. What?” John said, “Why?”

“I’m going to make a plaster cast of your cock!” Sherlock vanished into the kitchen. “Come along!”, he called.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So here John was, naked, lying on the kitchen table while his husband mixed plaster of Paris. “I can’t believe I’m doing this! Why am I doing this?”

“I had a dream about being done by two of you. Since I can’t clone you, I thought I’d do the next best thing, make a cast of your erect cock and then a latex model. I’ll have the real you in my mouth and the latex you in my arse. I’ll work on animating it eventually. If you’d like then, we can do mine for you.”

John didn’t say anything because, truthfully, what do you say?

Sherlock looked up from his mixing, “you need to be erect John.”

~~~~~~~~~

“That’s fucking cold!” John shrieked as Sherlock started packing plaster around his genitals. “Jesus!”

”I used warm water John! And you need to stay erect until it sets.” Sherlock looked up from the mound of plaster he had piled on John’s junk. “What do you need to stay hard?”

”I don’t fucking know!” John flailed his arms. “Think of something!”

Grabbing one of John’s flailing hands, Sherlock took his husband’s fingers and starting sucking on them and moaning lustfully as he continued covering John’s balls in plaster.

”OK, that’s nice. It might help if you took off your pants as well.”


	15. Day Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lestrade checks up on the 221B lunacy.

“Hey John! How are you guys holding up? You haven’t choked Sherlock yet have you?”

“Hey Greg! Really miss going out for beer with you! As soon as this is over, we must meet for a pint or three! And no, I haven’t killed Sherlock yet.”

“Any insanity that I should know about?”

“Oh dear god Greg! I have to tell someone! Sherlock made a plaster impression of my genitals and then made a latex model which he presented to me at breakfast. Words do not describe it.”

“Are you having me on? Why would he do that? Does he need more cold cases? Is the quarantine getting to him? WTF?!?!”

“It really is an excellent likeness. I just have to convince him not to leave it on the coffee table! More cases would be a good idea as he’s solved all but one.”

“I hate to tell you but you’ve got almost a week and a half to go! Will you be alright?”

“Oh yeah! Who knows, I may get creative and do one of his!”

“The visual image is making my head hurt. You’re both nutcases! And I probably don’t want to know what you’re going to do with them do I?”

“Um, no. You really don’t.”

“Ok, I’ll drop off more cold cases. Leave the solved ones in the box. Latex dicks indeed!”


	16. So Now What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say it with me, custom latex butt plugs/vibrators.

“Is that really what I look like?” John was walking around the coffee table, looking at the latex replica of his cock and balls. “I’ve never seen it that way before. I’m not particularly attractive.”

His spouse rolled his eyes but let John get whatever out of his system. “Now yours is very nice! You definitely have pretty genitals Sherlock.”

“I’ve never been told I have a pretty dick before but never let it be said that you’re not unique.” Sherlock wrapped his long arms around his husband and whispered in his ear, “what to try them out?”

“Oh dear god, yes!”

~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m afraid I’ll grab the wrong one,” John said, “and accidentally fuck myself.” Comparing the two items he held in his hands, he continued, “although it might be interesting sometime to know what I feel like.”

“Dear lord, this is a weird conversation.” Sherlock naked, stood and said, “do you want to be the fucker or the fuckee?”

“The fucker please.” He took the model of himself and kissed his spouse. Pulling Sherlock closer to him, he let his hands wander up and down that magnificent arse. “You’re going to look so incredible with me in your mouth and the fake me in your arse!” His hands parted his husband’s arse cheeks and let his fingers wander.

Sherlock, eyes closed, was enjoying John’s wandering fingers. “We need a name for a fake selves. They could go by our middle names.” The fingers stopped.

”We are not calling it Hamish!

To be continued....


	17. Not Hamish!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to call their other parts? And thank you Inner Spectrum for our middle name chat!

“That was a total mood killer Sherlock! Why do the fake penis’s have to have names? We could refer to it as “the toy”! We are not calling mine Hamish!” John was ranting, stomping around the sitting room and flailing his arms.

“Gees John! Take a breath!”, his husband advised. “You’re starting to turn blue!”

But John continued as if his spouse hadn’t spoken, “and have you forgotten that Sherlock is your middle name? Or at least one of them.” He stopped suddenly and looked around, “fuck!”

Sherlock, still naked but no longer erect, leaned against the wall with his arms crossed waiting for John to stop, said, “Yes, I realize Sherlock is not my first name. Yes, I know you hate your middle name but we can’t refer to these as “John’s other dick” or “the less obnoxious Sherlock” now can we?”

John simply stood, looking a tad befuddled, and said, “I’m sorry.”

Sherlock nodded his head, gracefully accepting the apology, and suggested, “how about we try dinner and a nice wine. We’ll eat, relax and then maybe try again.”

“OK.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh dear God!” John was on all fours with “the less obnoxious Sherlock” in his arse and the real one right in front of him. “This feels so,” he gave his husband a lick, “fucking good!” He bobbed his head a couple times and said, “I’ve often said my husband is a genius but you’ve outdone yourself this time.”

“Wait until I motorize them! Jesus Christ John!” Sherlock said through gritted teeth. “Shut up and suck! I have “the other John” in my arse and it feels incredible.”

John rolled his eyes and obeyed.


	18. Day Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What new insanity do our boys get into?

John speaks via his blog:

Day Six of our quarantine and things are good. No sign of the virus and I haven’t been tempted to kill my spouse. Yet.

So NSY is bringing us coldcases while we’re incommunicado. Sherlock set a new record by solving three in five minutes. I am waiting for them to need Sherlock so badly that they Skype from the crime scene. I’ll have to make sure he’s dressed if that happens.

It has been a weird week. We take turns deciding what the day will be like. Today it’s my turn and I have no idea what I want to do.

For those of you who asked about us dancing naked in the window, the stories are grossly exaggerated. Although if anyone took pictures, I’d love to see them!

Stay safe everyone! Sherlock and I are looking forward to getting outside again but until then, take care!

John

P.S. Oh, wait! I think I have an idea for today! And I promise to not get arrested! Sherlock I’m not so sure of.


	19. Day Six from Sherlock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock speaks

Sherlock posts on his website.

Hello ye of little faith! Also known as those-who-knew-John-would-smother-me-with-a-pillow-by-Day-Two-of-the-quarantine! Haha! We’re both still alive, haven’t yelled at each other (much) or jumped out the window (danced in, yes).

This isn’t much different from everyday life except people bring me cases instead of me going to them. I kinda like it. Oh, and John is home all the time, which I really like!

I don’t understand why I haven’t been bored yet [note, John just walked past, naked and wearing bunny ears] but I think it’s because we blend so well together. John tries to act above it all but he’s a total pervert who enjoys our misadventures as much as I do.

The cases I’ve been working on [John walks past again, naked but for the aforementioned bunny ears and a fluffy tail/butt plug]....., oh, um, where was I? Oh yes, I solved several cases from the eighties which all turned out to be done by the same person. No one suspected! Am I stunning or what?

I have an exciting experiment planned for this weekend which I will share next time. [John appears in the doorway, shakes his tail and walks to our bedroom leaving a trail of jellybeans! Let it not be said that I can’t take a hint!]

Oops, sorry, must run, more later!

SH

P.S. a large rabbit ran through the kitchen and I need to um, wrestle it into submission!


	20. Day Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Seven! Sherlock is up!

Our favorite consulting detective woke before his husband, a rarity for sure. Checking John’s temperature (normal, just sleeping soundly), Sherlock took himself to the kitchen for caffeine. Since he intended to have a productive day, he made both coffee and boiled water for tea. Domestic chores complete, he moved to his microscope and the new cases Lestrade had dropped off.

An hour or so later, one tousled doctor emerged from the bedroom. Yawning, he walked past his oblivious spouse, kissed his rumpled curls and got a cup of coffee (he wanted tea but his spouse had let the water get cold). Reheating the water, he wrapped his arms around Sherlock and said, “what are you looking at?”

Sherlock looked up, then down at the arms encircling his middle. “Oh, morning John. Been up long?”

John just smiled. “You are so oblivious when you’re working. I bet you wouldn’t notice my naked arse in your face if you had a good case going.”

”Oh! Bituminous pitch!” Sherlock exclaimed.

”Point made!” John kissed his spouse on the shoulder and headed for the sitting room.

~~~~~~~~

An hour or so later, Sherlock entered the sitting room and seemed surprised to find his spouse there. OK, maybe he was just surprised to find his spouse dressed.

“John! Why are you clothed?” The indignant consulting detective stood before his spouse. “Are you trying to punish me or something?”

”Not everything is about you Sherlock!” John looked up from the book he was reading. “Maybe I just want to pretend life is somewhat normal and that we could go do something if we wanted to.”

”Going stir crazy?”

”A little,” the doctor replied. “I’d kill for a case right now.”

”Hmmm.”

~~~~~~~~~

“I have dinner taken care of tonight as well as our after dinner festivities.” Sherlock announced a little while later to his spouse.

”OK, what should I wear?” John asked curiously.

“Dark clothes. We’re going out.”


	21. Day Seven-Stir Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is going a little stir crazy. Sherlock to the rescue.

“What are we doing up here exactly?” John asked, looking around. They had eaten a wonderful dinner, courtesy of Angelo who had delivered, and were now up on their roof. This wouldn’t have been odd except they were both dressed all in black and Sherlock was scanning the surrounding roofs.

“Sherlock!”

“Yes John.” His spouse turned back to him. “Ok, you’re a little stir crazy from being inside and your mood infects mine so.... Remember the taxi driver case and how we climbed up stairs and leaped over rooftops, etc?”

John nodded.

“Well, we”re going to go exploring. We’ll pick a spot to get to, say NSY or the library or something, and then we’re going to find the quickest way to get there. Without a taxi! We’re going to be up on buildings for the most part so we won’t infect anyone and just in case we run into someone, I brought masks.” Sherlock fished them out of his pocket. “And, we’re under a time schedule. We’ll take how long it would take us to get there walking then beat the time.”

John smiled, “I’m game you insane, beautiful man!”

Sherlock smiled happily, “and since we’re not supposed to be out, we’ll have to make sure not to be seen. Lestrade would love to arrest us.”

John smiled back, “oh, a challenge! Where shall we go?”

~~~~~~~~~

Thirty minutes later,

“Are we stuck up here?” John was looking around the rooftop they were on. They appeared to have reached a dead-end.

“Nope.” Sherlock popped the “p” as he pulled a set of lock picks out of his pocket.

“God I love you!” John pulled his spouse down for a kiss and a grope then shoved him towards the door.

“How could you not?” Sherlock had the widest smile on his face as he got to work on the door.

~~~~~~~~

Twenty minutes later,

“Hurry John! I think they saw us!”

Our dynamic duo were hunkered down in an alley behind a pile of very rotten garbage. The smell was indescribable.

Sherlock peaked around the bins and saw three large men standing at the mouth of the alley. They seemed hesitant to come any further into the alley. After a brief discussion, they moved on.

“Sherlock.”

“Sherlock!”

“Sherlock!!” John didn’t yell but he whispered loudly.

“Oh what John?” The detective turned around to face his spouse. John wasn’t looking at him but staring off into a corner. The detective’s gaze followed.

“He’s dead.” Sherlock said.

“No fucking kidding!” The doctor had moved closer to the body. The dead man was maybe in his thirties, bald and dressed in jeans and everyday clothes. He looked very surprised by the bullet hole in the middle of his head.

“What do you make of him?” John asked.

“Delivery driver, cheating on his wife, picked up a hooker who rolled him. Her pimp shot him when he put up a fight. Bad arches.” Sherlock spouted off his deductions.

“Brilliant.” John beamed at his spouse. Sherlock preened.

“We have a problem though John. We’re not supposed to be out but we’ve tripped over a dead body. This case isn’t even a two but we have to let someone know about it.” Sherlock looked about. “We need to make an anonymous call to Lestrade.”

“Sherlock.” John was leaning against the filthy wall and looking down. “We have a much bigger problem.”

The detective carefully made his way to his spouse and looked down, “the hooker and the pimp I presume?” They both looked at each other. 

“Three dead bodies when we’re not supposed to be out? Not sure how we’re going to explain this one.” John plucked his phone out of his pocket to make the call to Lestrade.


	22. End of Seven-Beginning of Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lestrade is not thrilled

“What are you two fucking doing here?” Greg Lestrade demanded as he walked towards the crime scene. “I believe you’re under quarantine not to mention you should be in jail for several reasons including the Baker Street Sex Show.”

Sherlock looked innocent and pointed at his medical face mask and then John’s. Lestrade just snorted.

“Let me guess. One of you got a little twitchy from not being able to leave the house, the other came up with a brilliant idea to alleviate the boredom which probably involved skulking through alleys and rooftops, hence the black clothes.” John looked impressed. Greg caught the look and said, “the masks are just in case you get caught.” Turning to John, he said, “contrary to what the boy toy believes, I’m not an idiot.” Turning back to Sherlock, he said, “and I’ve known you for many years. I know you.”

Sherlock looked annoyed, Lestrade didn’t “know” him!

“But, if you help with this case you stumbled upon and don’t act like too much of a dick, I may just forget I saw you two tonight.” Lestrade leaned against his vehicle and crossed his arms over his chest, “it’s up to you.”

~~~~~~~~~

Sitting in the back of Lestrade’s vehicle, cuffed, John turned to his spouse, “I’ve met two year olds with more self control than you! Every time you see Anderson, it’s like “Shave and a Haircut”! You just can’t control yourself!”

“Oh stop! We’re not going to jail. We’re still under quarantine remember? Plus, we solved a triple murder for Lestrade.” They both watched Greg moving around the scene and then make his way over to them. “Now if there wasn’t the possibility of contagion, I wouldn’t want to bet on it.”

John just rolled his eyes and patiently awaited their fate.

~~~~~~~~

Greg pulled up in front of their flat and turned to face them, “the only reason I’m not taking you in is because of the virus. But you’re under house arrest! Do not let me find you outside the walls unless they’re on fire and no nude dancing in the windows!” He undid both sets of cuffs. “Get out! I’ll bring your statements around in the next day or so for you to sign.”

After Greg had pulled off and turned the corner, Sherlock grabbed his spouse, “come on John!” He led him around the side of the house.

“What? Why are we doing this?” John asked in exasperation as he followed Sherlock.

“Mrs Hudson isn’t home and we’re locked out. We need to get back on the roof so we can get back in the flat.”

“Oh fuck me!” John yelled.


	23. Day Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s Turn

“You realize that on your days we get arrested but on my days, we’re sane, safe and whatever that other word is?” John was cooking dinner and drinking wine.

“What other word?” Sherlock was feeling no pain as well.

“Don’t remember.” John frowned at the dish he was attempting to make. “Sherlock, can you read me the directions again. This doesn’t look right.”

His spouse picked up the directions he’d been reading from and began, “stick tab a into slot b.”

“No, no, no! The cooking directions!”

“Oh.” Sherlock looked around, “I don’t see them.”

“How am I supposed to finish dinner without directions?” John was brandishing his ladle.

“I’ve got it!” Sherlock leaped up and grabbed a spatula. “We’ll duel for it!” He brandished his spatula with sweeping arm motions.

“Huh!” John leaped into the fray, flailing around with his ladle.

“Take that!” Sherlock went for John’s ribs with his tool.

“Oh you’re going down detective!” John swung his ladle around wildly then paused to get another drink. “Ok, I’m back!” He dropped his utensil but didn’t appear to notice. Sticking out his index finger, he went for his spouse’s ribs. They crashed to the floor.

Sherlock somehow wound up on top of John, spatula at the ready. “Admit that I’m the flat champion and the winner of this duel.”

“No!”

“You don’t have a sword thingy John!” Sherlock paused to get another drink as well. “That means I won!”

“Is it getting smoky in here?” John asked from the floor.

“I don’t think so! I can’t tell though, there’s too much smoke.” Sherlock sat down next to him.

At that moment, the shrill fire alarm went off.

~~~~~~~~

“It wasn’t really a fire Lestrade!” Sherlock tried to explain. “John couldn’t fit tab a into slot b.”

“You two are a disaster!” All the windows in the flat were open to clear out the smoke. Lestrade looked around. “Every time you two get drunk, I end up here! Grow the fuck up!”

John emerged from the bathroom at that moment. “Hey Greg! Drink up! Maybe we could have a threesome!”


	24. Later-Day Eight Into Day Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Told you!

Sherlock was looking out the sitting room windows, watching Lestrade get into his vehicle when John come up behind him.

“I tried!” John said apologetically.

“You did it wrong!”, said a slightly less intoxicated detective. “You can’t ask Lestrade for a threesome while you’re drunk! He won’t take us seriously!”

“Maybe I should have done it naked,” John mused. “Or naked and erect.”

“He might have gotten the point then. We’d both have to be naked and erect though. If not, he’d think it was just you and wouldn’t want to get between us. We might have to wait until the quarantine is over to do it though.” Sherlock, the voice of reason (???), said.

“To have the threesome? Or to ask?” John made his way to the kitchen and the wine bottle.

“Both!” Sherlock followed. “We’ve gone through a lot of wine in the last week.” He watched his husband look around blankly for his glass, shrug and take a slug from the bottle. “Give me!” He grabbed the bottle and took a healthy swallow.

“How do we let Greg know we’re serious?” John wondered. “We could text.”

“Drunk texting isn’t a good idea!” Sherlock grabbed his husband’s phone. “Let me do it! You won’t ask right.”

The good doctor grabbed another wine bottle and his husband’s elbow then steered/staggered them to the sofa. “Ok, but I want to help! You’ll be rude and offensive if I don’t.”

“OK.” They kinda fell onto the sofa. Sherlock picked up the phone. “How about: Gavin! Want to compare cocks?!”

“Oooh! Good start!” John said happily as he cozied up to his spouse who was typing. “Then what?”

~~~~~~~~~

“John! Did you and Sherlock get drunk and proposition some guy for a threesome?”

“Morning Harry. What are you talking about?”

“You guys sent me a long, rambling message about threesomes and comparing cocks. This was bad enough but the picture was just too much. I’m not into men and I really don’t want to know you that well.”

“John?”

“John??”

“You ok? OK, talk to me later. I’m sure you’re hung over! Oh, do tell Sherlock the bare look is good on him.”


	25. Day Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the day progresses

“We sent a text to Harry telling her we wanted a threesome with Lestrade?” Sherlock was laughing. “Oh dear god, remind me to lock our phones up the next time we drink.”

John smiled as well, “that’s not the worst part.” At his husband’s questioning look, he elaborated, “we sent a picture of us, drunk, naked and erect.”

“We were awfully drunk. We managed to get it up after all that?” John pulled out his phone and opened up the sent text. “Ok, we more then managed to get it up. We could still send it to Lestrade you know. I’m sure he’d be flattered to get such a text.”

”You got his name wrong! There’s nothing flattering about dick pics addressed to the wrong person!” John was making breakfast as he spoke. Slipping bacon onto both plates, he brought them to the table. Sherlock barely noticed his plate as he was typing away on his phone. 

”What are you doing?” John sounded resigned to whatever insanity came his way. Sitting down, he opened his napkin on his lap and picked up his fork.

”Rewording our message to Lestrade. I’m also pointing out that we’re such lusty, viral men that we can get stupendous erections while drunk off our asses.”

The good doctor did the mother of all eye rolls but said, “read it to me.”

”Garth,”

”It’s Greg! Change it now!” He watched his spouse for a few seconds then got up to stand behind him to make sure he did it. Satisfied, he sat back down and gestured for Sherlock to continue.

”Greg! The men of 221B invite you to spend an evening with them comparing erections. Dinner will be served, alcohol is encouraged and in the morning, three friends will be walking funny. We’ve shown you ours, now show us yours! Date contingent on quarantine ending soon! John and Sherlock”

”Wow! Throw in a P.S. at the end that we’re inviting him to a threesome. Just in case he’s being dense.” John ate a forkful of eggs as Sherlock typed.

P.S. In case you’re being particularly obtuse, we’re inviting you to a threesome.

”I think he’ll get the point!” Sherlock hit send.

”How could he possibly say no to that?” John muttered with an eye roll.


	26. Later Day Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg

John was working on his blog and Sherlock was solving the last of the cold cases when they heard footsteps on the stairs. Not thinking much of it, our dynamic duo continued their respective tasks. That is until their door popped open and Lestrade strolled in.

“Most people knock.” Sherlock remarked as Lestrade paused at the door.

“Most people don’t have to put up with two perverts with no self-control who should have been arrested at least three times that I know of in the past week so cut me some slack.” He moved to stand by their partners desk. “Most people don’t get propositioned by two over-sexed idiots who send me pictures of their erections. What is with you two?”

“Well, we’re under quarantine and letting our inhibitions fly.” Sherlock said casually, John nodded his agreement. “Not that we have many to begin with,” he added thoughtfully.

“Very true!” John paused in his typing. “And because we like you and find you attractive, we have invited you to indulge with us.”

“Exactly!” Sherlock agreed. “Now we understand we might have to wait until the quarantine is lifted but after that, we’re game!”

“Exactly! A nice dinner, some wine and then sex!” John elaborated. “You can spend the night. Just make sure you have the next day off.”

“Jesus Christ! You two take the cake.” Greg started moving towards the door. “I’ll have more cases for you tomorrow so finish the rest, yeah.” At the doorway, he turned and said, “This is what, day nine? Five more days of your insanity? Christ. Six days from now, I’m off. If you both are virus-free, we have a date.” And he disappeared down the stairs.


	27. Day Nine Into Day Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow!

Sherlock and John just looked at each other as the footsteps receded. Lestrade had said yes!

John stood up and said, “Wow! I suddenly have this weird burst of energy but at the same time we don’t have an outlet for it. Suggestions?”

~~~~~~~~~

”A wanking contest? Seriously?” John looked at his spouse in amazement.

”Yes!” Sherlock replied. “And to make it that much sweeter, bonus points to whoever spurts the farthest.” 

”You’re on detective!”

~~~~~~~~~

So here they were, pantsless, sitting on the sofa, cocks in hand. Sherlock looked at his husband, “we need motivation.” 

John, looking down at himself, agreed. “It’s because we’ve had so much sex recently. Let me put on a porn.”

”Ok, but nothing with that fat guy with the long dick. I’m not into men who can’t look down and see their own erections. Especially that erection!”

John had to agree.

~~~~~~~~~

”Damn!” Sherlock exclaimed. “That looks like it hurts!”

John was equally disturbed. “I bet his tonsils hurt.”

“Mine do! Jesus!”

~~~~~~~~~

“What do you suggest?” Sherlock looked at his spouse.

”I want to chase bad guys Sherlock! I never knew I’d miss chasing bad guys so much.” John looked forlorn. “You know this is how superheroes come about?”

”By being in quarantine with their husband’s, having lots of sex, almost getting arrested several times, inviting a cop for a threesome and then not being able to get it up? What kind of movies are you watching?” Sherlock asked casually.

”Never mind...”. John started to turn away.

”Oh no! Change your clothes, grab your mask and let’s go! We’re going to find some bad guys to beat up then we’ll feel better and have great sex.” Sherlock moved towards the bedroom. “Change your clothes and meet me by the bedroom window in ten minutes.”

John moved to comply. “God I love your insane arse!”


	28. Day Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insanity

“Weren’t we just here?” John was standing next to his spouse on the rooftop of their building.

“Yes but it’s not going to end the same.” Sherlock declared. “So, if you were a criminal looking to score in the middle of a pandemic, where would you be?”

“Hmm. Couple different options. What did you have in mind?” John leaned against his spouse and wrapped his arms around him.

~~~~~~~~~~

”Look! A couple of fairy boys holding hands!”

John and Sherlock had been strolling down the street, debating on where to find stupid criminals, when stupidity landed in their laps. Sometimes you get lucky that way.

”Oh look John!” Sherlock exclaimed, “heterosexuals with little dick syndrome!”

”What did you say?” The group of stupidity appeared to be four people deep with a combined IQ of Sherlock’s fingernail clippings. The burliest of the bunch came forward. “I’ll show you my dick, bitch!”

Sherlock just smirked, “Look John! Not only does he have a little dick, he thinks I’m female! I told you I can’t let my hair grow!”

John, ever the peacemaker (to a point), said to Sherlock, “you’re right! But I like it longer.” Walking up to the head lunkhead, John looked him up and down then said, “if I were you, I’d take my friends and back the fuck up or this night will not end well for you. Just a friendly warning.”

The group moved closer to John and the leader said, “oh look fellas! This one thinks he’s going to hurt us!” He started dancing on his toes and shuffling about, “want some of this?” He swung a beefy arm towards John who moved out of the way easily. “After I’m done with you, my friends and I will have a go at your bitch.”

In hindsight, Sherlock supposed it wasn’t fair unleashing John on them but they had been warned. At the beefy thug’s words, John let loose. Punchy the beefy one in the face (broken nose), he kicked out at the first one to come to the aid of his friend and punched him in the jaw (broken jaw). One of the others had walked up to Sherlock and said, “come here pretty boy! Want to suck this?” He started to unzip his pants but Sherlock laid him out with an uppercut to the face. The last guy then approached and said, “oh the pretty one can fight.“ He took a knife from his pocket, “you might not be so pretty after this.” With an elaborate eye roll, Sherlock divested him of the knife and laid him out next to his friend. Turning, he found John grinning at him, “you promised a fight and you don’t disappoint!”

”Thought there’d be a little more competition though!” Straightening John’s collar, he kissed his husband and said, “shall we go look for more?”

”Oh dear god, yes!” John grabbed his husband’s hand and they proceeded on.

”We’ll have to be more careful though, we didn’t keep a safe distance from those idiots!” John continued. Sherlock just smiled and took his husband’s hand.


	29. Day Ten-the stupidity continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stupid is coming out of the woodwork!

Now ordinarily, looking for crime wasn’t that easy. Not that crime doesn’t exist in London but you weren’t likely to run into it constantly. Sherlock knew this instinctively, he’d cursed it often enough. Tonight was different.

Barely two blocks after their most recent stupidity, they literally tripped over another case. A body was lying on the sidewalk, not moving. Sherlock walked around it, taking everything in. John dug a mask out of his pocket (Sherlock rolled his eyes and donned his) then bent to examine the body. The body suddenly sat up, causing both spouses to yell and back away.

“What cha looking at?” The not-dead man asked with a snort. “I was taking a nap.” He stood up, staggered and said, “and you assholes woke me up.” Looking them up and down he held out his hand and said, “can I drive your vehicle?”

“What?” John was slightly disoriented. “No!”

“Well, can I kiss your sweety then?” The man looked Sherlock up and down then said, “she’s a tall one! Does she give good head?”

“I give excellent head,” Sherlock assured him, “but you’re not my type. Sorry?”

The man looked confused. John hurriedly said, “why don’t you find a better place for a nap?”

“Good idea!” The man turned, unzipped and urinated. Finishing up, he tucked himself back in and walked towards the parked cars on the street. Finding a vehicle he liked, he climbed onto the front end, rolled over and started to snore.

Sherlock just shook his head. “We must seriously have our freak magnet out tonight!” Taking John’s hand, they moved on.

John turned slightly and looked back at the body on the vehicle, “the mask might save us from germs but not his smell! Jesus!”


	30. We Need A Case!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crime should just be right there when needed!

A couple blocks later, their luck seemed to have deserted them. There were very few people out and those people appeared to be law abiding! Sherlock was ready to beg someone to commit a crime just for the two seconds of excitement it would bring

”Maybe we need to try a different street?” John said as he looked around.

”Oh why bother.” Sherlock kicked a rock in disgust. “I need a real case! My brain is stagnating! Lestrade keeps bringing me simple minded cold cases that I solve before he’s back at NSY.”

”Well we are somewhat hampered by being quarantined.” John thought for a second, then added, “although that doesn’t seem to have stopped us from being out and about.”

”I feel like the quarantine isn’t an actual thing, more like a recommendation.” Sherlock chipped in as he looked around. “John! Look!” Sherlock pointed across the street. “Isn’t that Sebastian Moran?”

John followed his husband’s finger, “I do believe it is. Shall we follow?”

They made their way across the street and looked down the alley. “Do you see him?” John asked.

”Damn it’s dark. I can’t see a thing.” Sherlock reached into his coat and pulled out a flashlight. Flashing the beam about, he said, “something moved over there John.” They carefully moved ahead.

”I don’t see him Sherlock. Could he have ducked out?” John was looking about.

“He” may have ducked out but hadn’t as something hard and heavy hit John over the head. Sherlock turned at the sound but something was sprayed in his face and he joined his spouse on the ground.


	31. Boy Are You Two Stupid!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have their usual issues.

John groaned, winced and touched the back of his head. Big throbbing lump. Nice. He tried to open his eyes and winced at the light, quickly shutting them again. 

He tried to get a handle on his surroundings but couldn’t tell much. His head was throbbing, opening his eyes wasn’t happening and all he could smell was mustyness. He desperately wanted to find Sherlock but was afraid to say anything so relied on sense of touch

By the time John found Sherlock’s slim ankle, he’d managed to open his eyes enough to see that his husband was waking up as well. He quickly checked Sherlock for obvious injuries then hugged him close. Sherlock, still groggy, hugged back.

After some high-quality affection and reassuring each other that they were ok (“how many fingers am I holding up John?”), they took stock of their surroundings. They appeared to be in a basement, probably very near where they’d been accosted. Sherlock tried the door, because you never know, then began kicking it.

John watched for a moment then pointed out, “if you break your foot, I’m not carrying you.”

The detective just glared. “Better ideas doctor?” The tone was sarcastic. Sherlock was himself again.

John thought for a moment. “No.” He stood up and started pacing the room, looking for exits or something. “What was the purpose of bringing us here?”

Sherlock was pacing, “I’m thinking he didn’t expect to see us. He may not be up to anything, just saw an opportunity to get us out of the way.” His fingertips were together under his chin in classic mind palace pose as he paced. He pulled out his phone, no signal. “Check your phone. Do you have a signal?”

John’s disappointment showed before he answered, “no.” He paced a little more frantically then stopped and looked at his spouse, “you?”

Sherlock just gave him a look. “Ok, since you asked me, I had to figure you didn’t but it never hurts to ask.” John came to a stop, leaned against a wall and said, “so how do we get out of here?”

”I don’t know.” Sherlock looked about himself, then sat on the floor. “What businesses are around here? Are they the kind that would be shut down during a pandemic?”

John came over and sat down next to his husband. “Mainly office jobs that I believe could be done from home.” He put his head on Sherlock’s shoulder and said, “God I have to pee.”

Sherlock snorted with laughter. “God I love your insane arse. Select a corner. We can use it for our bathroom.”

John got up, selected a corner and said, “betcha can’t write your name!”

Sherlock leaped up, selected the opposite corner from his spouse and said, “you’re on!”

The boys were giggling from their corners. Sherlock called over, “I’m at somewhat of a disadvantage as my name’s longer so I’ll write smaller.” They both laughed hysterically at that one.

At that moment, they heard the bolt on the door move. Hurriedly tucking things back in, they looked around for a weapon. Nothing. “Fuck!” Sherlock muttered. “Ok, but the Holmes-Watson’s don’t go down without a fight!”

”Damn straight!” John took up a Kung fu stance. The detective rolled his eyes.

The chains rattled some more and the door popped open. “Boy are you two stupid!”, said Lestrade.


	32. It Was Easy To Find You!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are being themselves and can't understand how Lestrade found them.

Lestrade was pacing the sitting room, glaring at the dynamic duo, and ranting. "How did I find you? How the fuck did you think I found you? I followed the path of destruction. For two people who are quarantined, you sure find your way out and about pretty well."

Sherlock was elegantly leaning against the wall, watching Greg. Finally he said, "no seriously, how did you find us?"

Lestrade stopped the pacing and glared, "I literally followed the debris field. We got a call from a group of drunk idiots who said they were beaten up by a kung fu master and his Amazon bitch (the 221B boys smiled at this description), then a few blocks later came upon an irate vehicle owner who wasn't happy that there was a drunk guy asleep on his car. The drunk said he was waiting for the tall one to come climb back into bed with him since his friend wouldn't let him drive. Figured it had to be you two arseholes. From there we had to rely on cameras but we saw you disappear down an alley and then saw two men carrying something heavy. They disappeared into one of the buildings but it took awhile to find you. Then we find you challenging each other to pissing contests. Tell me again how old you are?" He stopped pacing and glared at them.

John, who was reclining in his chair, said, "I'm concerned with Moran being out and about and not being adverse to kidnapping us and leaving us for dead. Most people don't dislike us that much!"

Lestrade turned his gaze to John, "I can fully sympathize with anyone who has to deal with the two of you."

John smiled, "OK, I'll give you that one. But we weren't planning on causing trouble. We were looking for a criminal to chase."

"Oh, well that's OK then. Never mind that you're under quarantine for a deadly virus that's turning into a pandemic. Do I need to get you two idiots a dictionary?" Greg glared at them both. "Care to explain to me what made you two idiots go out?"

John hesitated but Sherlock popped right in, "we were having an issue getting erections and figured beating up some bad guys would help." The detective looked down at himself, "I think it has! What about you John?" He looked over at his spouse.

Lestrade just goggled, "You couldn't get it up so you went out to beat up bad guys, found some, beat them up, found a drunk you thought dead, got propositioned by said drunk, walked on and got kidnapped by the partner of a dead maniac, couldn't get out of the basement, had a pissing contest, and were freed by a overworked cop?" Sherlock and John thought for a second then both nodded. "Jesus Christ!", Lestrade had his head in his hands.

Lestrade started moving towards the door, "OK, listen. I'll Skype any new cases to you to keep you under control. Self-control!' He shook his head and headed out the door.

They listened to the receding footsteps. John looked at his husband and grinned, "want to see my erection?"


	33. Day Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My penis is sore”

“John!” Nothing. “John, wake up! It’s an emergency!”

Dr John Watson, somewhat bleary eyed, sat up in bed and said, “what? What emergency? What’s wrong?”

The detective looked down at himself, “my penis hurts.”

John flopped back on the bed, “seriously? So does mine. Call it an extreme case of overuse plus I think I have a rug burn on mine.”

The detective looked down at himself, “can you fix it?”

John, eyes closed and starting to drift, said, “nope. Try not to get erect or use it for a day or so.”

“It never fails!” Sherlock ranted, “housebound for two weeks and our dicks hurt! Unbelievable!” He bounced out of bed and headed to the bathroom, “this is why I’m an atheist!” The bathroom door shut behind him.

John opened an eye and said, “what???” Louder he yelled at the bathroom door, “what does believing in a higher power have to do with a cock sore from overuse?”

No answer. John was starting to drift again when the bathroom door opened and his spouse reappeared briefly, then headed to the kitchen. John gritted his teeth and followed him.

“What are you doing?” John asked although he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. 

Sherlock came back to the kitchen with several reference books. Spreading them out on the table, he announced, “I thought of an experiment!”

“Of course you did.” John looked at his spouse in disgust. Walking up to him, John said, “I love you but understand me, if you do an experiment on your genitals I will have your stupid arse committed!” Kissing the Cupid’s bow, he looked his husband up and down, said, “I’m serious.” And he turned on his heel and went back to bed.


	34. Day Eleven-continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the insanity goes on. Inner Spectrum contributed to the insanity and got my mind churning when I was stuck!

John stretched leisurely and, eyes still closed, rolled to his husband’s side of the bed to snuggle up to his sexy arse. Except the bed was cold and the sexy arse nowhere to be seen. John, eyes now open and flat on his back, tried to remember why he felt angsty. “Sore penis!”, he thought and leaped out of bed.

Moving towards the kitchen, he was mentally prepared for anything, but the room was empty. Well, it was empty of his spouse but the debris from a night of experimentation was there. Skimming the notes Sherlock had made (so he could tell how mad he needed to be), John found a bewildering array of experiments comparing the reactions between a sore and not sore penis. Followed by a whole section devoted to the different reactions to stimuli between Sherlock and John’s sore parts.

Rolling his eyes heavenward, he peaked around the doorway to find Sherlock sound asleep on the couch and snoring. Taking a moment to appreciate how adorable his spouse was, he continued moving closer. His insane spouse had actually experimented on his own dick! How to keep it from happening again?

~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock pried himself off the couch around noon and headed for the bathroom. As he passed by, John called out, “tea or coffee?” Sherlock grumbled something that sounded like “coffee” and the bathroom door closed. Smiling to himself, John began counting. Three, two, .....

“What the fuck?” Sherlock’s voice came from the bathroom. John could feel the bubble of laughter welling up inside him. He heard the water in the sink come on and then, “you’ve got to be kidding me!” More splashing. “John Watson-Holmes!”

Walking, slowly, to the bathroom, John opened the door and said, “do you need something Sherlock?”

His husband was standing in front of him, naked, and irate. “I told you if you experimented on your dick, there’d be consequences and you didn’t believe me. Now you know I’m not playing around and I mean what I say!”

Sherlock just stared at his husband then turned and stared in the mirror. He might actually be speechless for the first time in his life. John had painted on his cock and balls “property of John Watson! Hands off!” On his palms, John had written, “I touch my own cock!” But the absolute best was “I experiment on my own dick” written across Sherlock’s face, and all of it in henna.


	35. Day Eleven-again and on into Day Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously John?

John went back to the kitchen with the intent of making tea and possibly breakfast. He heard the bathroom door slam and smirked to himself. His spouse needed to understand he would not tolerate dick experimentation.

Somehow he wasn’t surprised when Sherlock didn’t appear for breakfast, even when he knocked on the bathroom door and announced it was ready. Sitting at the kitchen table by himself, he began to feel bad about what he’d done. Maybe he should talk to his spouse?

“Sherlock?” Knock, Knock. “Are you going to speak to me?” Nothing. Leaning his head against the door, he said, “I’m sorry. You make me crazy with your experiments and disregard for your own safety.” Nothing. “I’m counting to three and I’m coming in!” Nothing. “Three! Here I come.” He pushed open the bathroom door. The room was empty.

Pushing open the door into the bedroom, he saw that was empty as well. Sherlock was gone.

~~~~~~~  
Texts:

“Sherlock! Please text and let me know you’re alright! I’m sorry! You make me crazy and I wanted to teach you a lesson. I admit I got carried away. Please come home.”

“Sherlock! Baby please! I’m so sorry! I’ll never do something like that again! Please come home!”

“Sherlock! You’ve been gone all day. Where are you? Please, just let me know you’re ok! I’m going crazy.”

“Mrs Hudson! Have you seen Sherlock?”

“Not in days dear. Aren’t you still under quarantine?”

“Yes but we had an argument, sort of. Let me know if you hear from him ok?”

“Ok John.”

“Mycroft! Have you seen or heard from your brother?”

“Sorry John. Did you argue?”

“Something like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~

John fell asleep on the couch that night for several reasons including he wanted to be there when Sherlock walked through the door (he refused to say if) and also the bedroom didn’t feel right without Sherlock in it.

He slept wretchedly and was awake as the dawn lightened the room. No texts on his phone. Of course. He tried calling but it went straight to voicemail. John had to admit he was frantic.

Ok, where would Sherlock go? Taking a deep breath, he went to the bedroom, opened the window and climbed out. He’d start with the roof.


	36. Day 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boys are insane!

John, asleep on the couch, smelled tea. Or at least he thought he did. Waking up a little more, he realized that yes, he did smell tea. Tea that he hadn’t made. Tea that had to mean Sherlock!

Moving towards the kitchen, he peaked around the corner. There was his gorgeous husband, looking a little tired, leaning against the table as he sipped his tea. The henna was gone from his face and he was looking at John.

Our good doctor suddenly didn’t know what to say, “I’m sorry”, didn’t seem like enough. Opening his mouth, he found himself saying it anyway. “Sherlock, I am so sorry.”

Sherlock just looked at him and then calmly spoke, “you should be.” He paused and looked down, then at John again as he continued, “if you would have really looked at my notes, you’d have realized I didn’t actually do any of the experiments. I was just letting my mind go and putting down random ideas. Then I took those random ideas and imagined you and I doing them. It was pretty funny. Then I wake up to find my self-righteous, prig of a husband had gone off the deep end, accused me of stupidity and then painted on my body (and face) words to embarrass me, in henna, without even finding out if I’d actually done it. Gee John, what could you possibly need to be sorry about.”

John hung his head as Sherlock’s words washed over him. All that and he’d been wrong, Sherlock hadn’t done the experiments. He was miserable. “Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t know. It’s not so much the henna John but the fact that you don’t trust me.” He refilled his cup, “that I’m not sure I can get past.”

“Sherlock, you have a reckless streak. The old Sherlock would have done it in a heartbeat. I regressed back to that John who never knew if his flatmate would cut off an appendage just to see if it hurt.” Moving towards his husband, he said, “I’m sorry. Words cannot express how much nor how worried about you I’ve been.” He moved to stand right in front of his spouse, “please don’t leave me.” He could feel the tears threatening to spill over. “Sherlock, I love you more than anything. I’ve never found someone who loves and understands me like you do. I’d die if I lost you. The last few days have been hell. I trust you like I trust no other. And I’m begging you to give me another chance. Please.”

Sherlock didn’t say anything but he sniffed loudly. Then, “John, I love you more than anything and I’d die if I lost you. But you have to trust me in all ways or we don’t have a relationship.”

“Agreed.”

John was inches away from Sherlock at this point. Mentally saying “the hell with it”, John moved into Sherlock and wrapped his arms around him. Sherlock hesitated a second, then reciprocated.

“Shall I make breakfast?” John asked Sherlock’s shirtfront.

“Please, I’m not sure I ate yesterday.” At the expression on his spouse’s face, the detective asked, “did you eat yesterday?”

“Point taken.” John moved to the refrigerator. “One last question though.” At Sherlock’s raised eyebrow, he said, “how did you get the henna off?”


	37. Day Thirteen continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John makes amends

Sherlock was spreading out the casefile Lestrade had left when John walked past. The detective was so caught up in his own little world that he barely registered his spouse. John wasn’t offended, he’d been here before.

In the sitting room, the doctor looked around in amazement. Dear god his spouse was a slob! However, since he was still feeling bad about the henna incident, he’d decided to clean the flat as a form of penance. He was also naked which he knew Sherlock would appreciate, eventually. The doctor sighed, picked up a handful of newspapers and got busy.

Three hours later, Sherlock finally came up for air and noticed his husband. “I like the outfit,” he smirked as he sipped his tea, “but if you’re trying to make amends, you need to try harder.”

”Oh really? Suggestions?” John asked, hand on hip. “And don’t get any ideas about French maid’s outfits.”

”Come to the bedroom, I have something in mind...”

Sometime later, John was much less comfortable but didn’t feel he could rightly complain (cough, henna on face, cough). He was still basically naked as he mopped the kitchen floor but with some wardrobe modifications. Sherlock had added his favorite butt plug, inserting it himself, making John want to scream every time it hit his prostate. This was bad enough but his spouse had felt “generous” and also added a cock cage. All of this had been expected, hell he’d done something similar earlier in their quarantine to Sherlock, and it was fine. Where Sherlock had gone off the rails, enjoying himself way more than he should have, was with the kitten ears, this particular butt plug also had a tail, thigh high black stockings and black pumps. Seriously!

Traipsing around the flat in this get-up was taxing as hell but he refused to complain. The shoes were hard to walk in, his spouse was much better at it than he was, but he’d improved with practice. He just gritted his teeth and continued cleaning.

Sherlock was leaning back in his chair when he suddenly moaned. The good doctor was on his hands and knees, digging for something under the couch, and didn’t notice (although our detective really liked the picture he presented) so Sherlock moaned louder. John stopped, sat up and looked him over. “Need something Sherlock?”

”I really need blown.” He slid further down in his chair so John could see his bulge. “And I’ve missed that incredible mouth.”

“Well, since you put it that way.” John came forward, crawling on his hands and knees, and rested his head on the growing bulge in his husband’s trousers. “I love you so much Sherlock.” Our detective reached down and petted John’s head. The doctor picked his head up and glared at his spouse, “don’t pet me!”

Sherlock put his hands up and shook his curls in the universal gesture of, “sorry”. John got back to the task at hand. Rubbing his fingers over the growing bulge, he traced the outline and the growing wet spot. Briefly he cursed his spouse for the complicated hook and eye closure on his trousers but managed that as well. His husband had leaned back and closed his eyes. John smiled and moved on to the zipper. Sherlock moaned again, a little louder this time. The doctor had the zipper down but Sherlock’s clothes were too tight to pull down. He smacked his husband lightly on the leg and the detective pulled pants and trousers down to mid thigh allowing his erection to spring free. John buried his face in his husband’s groin, sniffing deeply and appreciatively. “God I love the way you smell! So musky and sexy!” John licked the tip of the cock in front of him. Sherlock leaned back and closed his eyes, John continued. “I had no idea how much I’d love giving you head since you were my first.” He licked from root to tip, “but I just went with instinct and what I liked.” He mouthed the head then pulled off, “Baby, I love you so much and I’m so sorry.” With that he bent down and took Sherlock’s entire length into his mouth. Not giving his husband time to think, he quickly moved his head, taking him in as far as possible. Bobbing his head until he felt Sherlock wrap his hands around his head and try to fuck his face, he used some of the drool to wet his fingers and slid them into his spouse who came with a yell into his mouth.

Breathing deeply, the detective was lying back with his eyes closed but he bent down long enough to pull his doctor to him. “I love you, so much, John Watson. Bedroom?”

John smiled, stood up and tugged Sherlock to a sitting position. “Bedroom.”


	38. Last Day!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will our boys do on the last day of quarantine?

Poke, poke.

Nothing.

Poke, poke. “John.”

Still nothing.

Harder pokes and a shake, “I know you’re awake.”

John smiled then hid his face underneath his pillow. “What’s up Sherlock?”

The detective reclined on his side of the bed having laid back down after getting his spouse’s attention. “Today is our last day in quarantine. How do you think we should spend it?”

“Wow! And people thought we’d kill each other!” He thought for a minute and the muffled voice continued, “we have Lestrade coming by for fun later this week. We should probably clean the flat really good.”

“Boring!” Sherlock perked up, “but necessary. I have an idea on how to make it more fun.”

“Oh dear God!”, said the pillow.

~~~~~~~~

“Seriously?” John was trying to wrap his mind around his husband’s latest insanity. 

“Seriously.” Sherlock moved around John into the sitting room. “We are going to clean like you suggested. The place will be cleaner than when I moved in. But we’re going to do it nude and send pictures to Lestrade. Actually we’re going to start off partially dressed and remove clothes as time goes on and we become more erect. Ready?”

“I guess. Do we need wine for this?” John gazed around the sitting room.

“It couldn’t hurt.”

~~~~~~~~~~

“WTF”. Lestrade was staring at his phone, open mouthed. The first picture showed Sherlock in tight jeans with the beginnings of an erection, a maniacal expression and a feather duster. The next was of John, similarly clad, with a bottle of furniture polish and a puzzled look. The next two were of the detective cleaning off the kitchen table and fighting off an experiment gone bad. Lestrade laughed. The next few were of John looking a little inebriated, pants undone, bandaging Sherlock’s finger while the detective pouted and pretended to cry. He laughed and continued. The next were of the boys changing the bed with nothing on but ribbons across their private parts saying, “saving for fun with Lestrade”. The last one was a typed message saying, “hoping we’re still on for fun! Sherlock would hate to have cleaned for nothing.”

Laughing, Lestrade took a picture of his own clad groin area with the beginnings of an erection and the words, “can’t wait!” He hit send.


End file.
